In an Agenda Project exclusive, our intrepid reporting uncovered one of the most dangerous threats to our democracy: the Cheap Beer-Frat Boy Industrial Complex. According to a recent report, from 1995 through 2006 Rick Santorum received at least $80,000 in campaign contributions from beer wholesalers, brewers, and top industry executives. In exchange for voting to cut taxes on beer, Santorum also received access to the most overlooked demographic in the upcoming presidential election: frat boys.
“Obviously our campaign polls poorly amongst people who identify as either ‘sober’ or ‘likely to pass a breathalyzer test in the next 6 to 8 hours’ ” said Santorum. “The only way I have a shot to win this is if we get Americans wasted before they go out and vote. How do you think Bush won in 2004? If it wasn’t for a bunch of patriotic frat brothers who were wearing some serious beer goggles on Election Day, we would have had eight years of John Kerry.”
Santorum supporter and Alpha Theta Zeta “Paddler in-Chief” John Watkins explained, “I got no problems with the bro. I heard he rages harder than any other guy in this election. If people voted for George W. Bush because they wanted to have a beer with him, then there is nothing wrong with voting for Rick Santorum because you want to shotgun a 40 ounce with the man.”
“Would I trust him with the nuclear codes? My motto is if you can do a keg stand, you can run a country,” Watkins elaborated.
For their part, the adult beverage industry has benefited enormously from the Cheap Beer-Frat Boy Industrial Complex. According to our completely made-up research, since 2009 there has been a 62% increase in beer pong ball sales, a 23% increase in drunken panty raids, and a startling 189% increase in frat boys dressing up like a Jersey Shore cast-member “for the sake of irony, dude.”
“While the big beer industry and I enjoy a mutually supportive relationship, they will not dictate how our campaign is run and we will not pander to fraternity members,” Santorum declared, before smashing a can of beer on his head.
Some people have skeletons in their closet, others have Troll Priests under their bed invading their sex lives!
With the Catholic Church’s ongoing War on Contraception, one has to wonder: how much time a day do priests spend thinking about our sex lives? Come on guys (and they are almost all guys), take a cold shower and move on!
After Santorum funder Foster Friess’ endorsement yesterday, Bayer announced their new multimillion dollar marketing campaign to push aspirin as an over-the-counter contraceptive. “Back in my day,” Friess said, “the gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.”
Bayer’s spokesperson remarked,
“No longer will Bayer aspirin be solely in the cabinets of the arthritic and the elderly. We will be in the purse of every sexually adventurous female in the nation. Now that the GOP and Catholic bishops have partnered to restrict more conventional methods, we’ve really got an opportunity to penetrate a market we’ve long been after.”